National Association of Mutual Insurance Companies

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Below the Water Line

When Sheila Birnbach teaches individual and organizational effectiveness to association executives, she begins with a metaphor: the iceberg.

“The iceberg sits in the water,” says Birnbach, president of GB Associates. “We see the tip of the iceberg, and then there’s more below the surface of the water—what we don’t see. Most of who we are is below the surface.”

Misinterpretation develops when we communicate below the water line.

“We can only know what people share with us,” Birnbach explains. Jumping to conclusions can jumpstart a failure to communicate.

Betsy Davis, staff director of human resources for Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers, an association for the advancement of technology, agrees: “The trouble with making assumptions when interpreting someone’s behavior is you do not know what you do not know. Are her arms crossed? Some say that’s indicative of a defensive response; however, it could be that she’s just plain cold.”

Like Davis, Birnbach cautions against making value judgments about people. “Value judgments come from your perspective, not the perspective of the person you’re perceiving.”

One example: “Say your fiancé meets you at 5 p.m., when you planned to meet. He’s punctual. This is a behavior – not a quality. This behavior doesn’t mean he’s faithful to you [a quality]. What we tend to do is look at someone’s behavior and make a value judgment. A behavior is not who the person is,” Birnbach emphasizes.

Another common communication mistake relates to behavior – taking it too personally. “People shouldn’t take behavior personally,” says Byron Sabol, author of the book “Taming the Beast: Success with Difficult People.” “Individuals often behave based upon their backgrounds and motivations – not upon whom they are communicating with.”

Additional communication matters to take into account include the following:

Listening. “People are consumed with getting their two cents in,” Davis says. “They think about what they’ll say next; they don’t listen. Practice active listening.”

Sabol references one of his clients, a political pundit, who is an excellent listener and, therefore, an excellent communicator. “You can tell he cares enough about you to listen to what you have to say and not interrupt,” Sabol says.

Nonverbal signals. “Many people ignore or misinterpret nonverbal signals,” Barks observes. “Nonverbal signals are key when communicating.”

Adds Sabol, “Everyone has their own communication style. You can misinterpret the person by not understanding their style.” In his book, Sabol discusses four distinct styles: controller, analyzer, supporter, and promoter.

“In an organization, controller types tend to have authority,” Sabol says. “They get things done, and they may be interpreted as gruff – but that’s just how they work. People get into management positions based not on their communication skills but on their technical skills. So they may not be able to communicate well with people.”

For the people with whom these controllers communicate, Sabol recommends meeting them at their level and not having great expectations for communication with them. After all, the skills simply may not be there.

Message delivery. “People focus on getting their message out,” Barks says. “If the message is good but the delivery is flat or unenthusiastic, communication falls like a lead balloon. … This past week, I was conducting a media-training session with an executive. In terms of the message, it was fine. But she sat back, slumping. She talked low and avoided eye contact. Then she saw herself on videotape and recognized the problems immediately.”

His recommendation: “Get an understanding of how you look to others, not how you think you look.”

Becoming a communication guru

“We need to start with ourselves,” Sabol advises. “We can be too quick to point the finger at others. We need to ask, ‘Am I a possible contributor to this communication problem?’ It’s up to us to create change.” Because others often won’t.

Barks shares another self-improvement tip: Assess your communication strengths and challenges, and then play to your strengths. “Strengths of the individual are all over the map,” Barks says. “Some people are welcoming and warm. They smile or raise their eyebrows. Others are authoritative – you can tell by their posture.”

To conduct a self-assessment, Barks offers these suggestions: “Sit down with yourself; use your internal compass. Videotape or audiotape yourself. Talk to friends and family.”

And you always can seek professional guidance. “With a communication consultant, map out your strengths and challenges,” he says. Then, use the newfound knowledge to enrich your communication. For example, “if you determine that avoiding eye contact makes you look shy, try for signs of improvement,” Barks says. The next time you communicate, look your co-communicator in the eye.

And whatever you do, be yourself. “In communicating, don’t shoehorn yourself or mimic others,” warns Barks.

“Exactness and precision are the children of truth.” Davis recently heard ballet dancer Jacques d’Amboise say this, and she says it applies well to interpersonal communication. “The more exact and precise we are in how we communicate, the more truthful we are to one another—and the basis of good communication is truth,” Davis says.

Sabol expands upon this point: “Take the time to show a real interest in the person you’re communicating with,” he says. “Get to know that person from behind his or her veneer. And listen.”

Not only listen, but also “drill down, drill down to hear what people are saying,” Davis says.

And while you don’t want to venture below the water line, you do want to recognize that “people come to work with lots of baggage,” Sabol says. “So empathize with your coworker. See him or her as a real person.”

Caron Mason, web communications specialist for the American Industrial Hygiene Association, makes an effort to “get out of [her] head” when she communicates with people. “In other words, stop and think about what the other person might be thinking,” Mason explains. “Is the person you’re communicating with shy or a subordinate? If that’s the case, you may want to give adequate pause in the conversation to allow that person to respond.”

Better yet, Mason adds, ask the other person, “What do you think?”

If you don’t take the time to truly communicate, you may contribute to a “toxic” work environment, Davis says.

Davis also takes exception with the phrase failure to communicate. “It’s not a failure to communicate,” she says, “but a choice not to communicate. And when you choose not to communicate, you have to redo a lot of things.”

One way to avoid rework is to clarify communication. “Make sure you clearly explain yourself, and don’t assume the other person knows everything or even anything,” Mason says. “Even if you mentioned it before, people sometimes forget.”

To safeguard against forgetfulness, Mason recommends following up face-to-face communication with written communication such as an e-mail. “This also gives the other person another chance to add to the conversation,” she says.

Speaking of e-mail, Davis warns against getting “trapped” into e-mail communication. “Don’t rely on e-mail,” she says. “Get up, go down the hall, and talk to the person. Pick up the phone.

“E-mail communication is not real communication,” Davis continues. “Solid communication is about not always doing easy things. It’s about raising your hand and asking questions”—being present and demonstrating your presence.

Say it like you mean it

“There are three keys to great presentation,” Barks says, “whether it’s formal (a keynote to your board of directors), informal (communicating with employees), or networking.”

Preparation. “Know what you want to say – and how – using your nonverbal skills,” Barks explains.

Performance. “How will you engage people? What words will you say, and how will you say them?”

Feedback assessment. “If you don’t gauge how you perform, you can’t improve.”

Sometimes simply speaking up is a step toward improved communication.

“It can be intimidating to ask or tell someone something important, but it’s better to address concerns and ideas instead of letting them boil over on some backburner,” Mason says.

When you do address concerns and ideas, “look out for the sound of your own voice,” Davis says. “If you’re hearing it more than the other person’s, you’re probably not communicating well.” Verbal communication is about give and take.

Conversely, “when it comes to written communications, over communicate,” Davis says. “Write about it from as many different perspectives as possible.”

Why bother? Because “everyone has their own unique perspectives,” Davis explains. “They play out in generational differences and male/female differences, among others.”

This wisdom rings true in an increasingly varied and interconnected world. “The effect of failing to communicate is assigning your own response to someone else’s behavior,” Davis says. “That’s a very misguided thing to do when working in a multicultural global environment.”

Lessons learned

“Good communication is bringing your story to people by remembering who you’re talking to and what they need,” Barks says. “As an example, I saw a scientist who was talking about a complex scientific matter. He was remarkably able to communicate and bring down to a human level how his research affects everyday life.”

Another example of good communication: “Someone I used to work with was a really good communicator,” Davis says. “She was a technology staff member who resolved tech problems. She dealt with people at their worst, when they were having problems that prevented them from working. She allowed the other person to tell their story. She figured out what was going on and resolved the situation. She always made you feel like she was there to help you.”

Often it’s easier to remember examples of bad communication rather than good. Final don’t-do-this tidbits:

“Don’t talk down to people,” Sabol says. “And don’t let your ego get involved in the discussion.”

“Don’t impose your frame of reference on other people,” says Birnbach.

“Just as your professional experience may be marketing, and you need to sharpen your professional skills, you need to sharpen your communication skills. It’s a lifelong learning process,” adds Barks. The result: good communication.

“Bad communication is when you don’t have a plan for communication and when you don’t think about how people learn,” Davis adds. “When communicating, you need to address different perspectives of learning. For example, some people will see a poster in the hall and read it. Others won’t. So by communicating with a poster, you didn’t communicate to everyone.”

Ultimately, the real key to good communication is to make time for it. “It seems like everyone is busy all the time,” Mason observes. “But it’s important to make sure we don’t bury our heads in the computer screen or in the annual budget and never talk to other people. Be sure to set aside time to communicate – even if it’s a 15-minute catch-up over coffee.”

(Reprinted with permission, copyright January 2008, ASAE & The Center, Washington, D.C.)

Posted: Friday, July 18, 2008 12:00:00 AM. Modified: Friday, July 18, 2008 1:42:56 PM.

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